I am TIRED and do not want to make a post.  I want to go to bed.  Somebody tell a joke.

About Lauren

Lauren Sommerer is a preschool teacher who likes to build prototypes, grow cats, cook things once, save money, reduce, reuse and recycle.

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28 Responses to “No.”

  1. Kitt Said on:

    How do you get down off an elephant?

    You don’t! You get down off a duck!


    • Lloyd Said on:

      I’m a big fan of elephant jokes…

      How do you tell if an elephant has been hiding in your refrigerator?

      Look for footprints in the butter.


  2. Brad Said on:

    Googling “funniest joke in the world” yielded this:

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”


  3. Beth Said on:

    Lloyd has a good joke about being a vegetarian…I’d ask him to tell it, but it’s not appropriate for some viewers…


  4. Lloyd Said on:

    Instead, let me tell a joke that one of Beth and Brad’s nieces told me on the way home from school:

    “How do you get an elephant to cross the freeway?”

    At this point, if I, or said niece, were physically present for the telling of the joke, we would wait for you to think about it and for you to say, “I don’t know. How do you get an elephant to cross the freeway?”

    To which we would respond, “You take the ‘F’ out of ‘Free’ and the ‘F’ out of ‘way’.”

    Then we would consider telling you the skeleton joke.


  5. Deborah Said on:

    A man walked into a saloon, sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender gave him a glass of beer and the man took a drink. Just then a monkey came swinging across the saloon, stopped over the man’s beer and peed in his beer. The man was obviously upset by this and asked the bartender, “Hey! Whose monkey is that?” The bartender told him that the monkey belonged to the saloon’s piano player. So the man walked over to the piano player and said, “Do you know your monkey peed in my beer?!” The piano player replied, “No. But if you hum a few bars, I’m sure I can catch on!”


  6. Rae Said on:

    The Cardinals and the Cubs have a lot in common. The most outstanding fact is that neither team has won a world series in their new stadium!


    • Karla Said on:

      Hey now!! I’m the resident Cub fan…


      • Lloyd Said on:

        There’s one at every website.


        • Karla Said on:

          Yeah, but who’s got best record in baseball right now?


          • Curt Said on:

            Come on. You know better than to say that. We all know the Cubs will blow it in the playoffs (if they make it) no matter what their record is….just like they always do. You just jinxed them. Hahahaha!!

            Your friendly Royals fan

          • Karla Said on:

            Yeah, but they’re doing good today. If there’s anything that has taught me to not worry about tomorrow, it’s the Cubs. At least I know not to make outlandish claims about them going all the way this year. 😉

            BTW, how are those Royals doing?

  7. Deborah Said on:

    Why did the seagull cross the sea?

    Because if it would have crossed the bay, it would be a bay gull


  8. Erikae Said on:

    Here’s a knock, knock joke, so you have to pretend.

    Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Interrupting Cow.
    Interrupting co


  9. Kristi Said on:

    From Joanna, Age 5 1/2:

    Question: Why do birds fly south?
    Answer: Because it’s too far to walk.


  10. Kristi Said on:

    Who’s there?
    Joanna who?
    Joanna play with me?


  11. Karla Said on:

    It’s a little long, but it’s one of my favorites…

    A guy walks into a bar. He goes to the bartender and says, “I bet you 10 bucks I can bite my eye.” The bartender thinks about it briefly then tells the guy he’s on. The guy pops out a false eye, bites it with his teeth and pops it back into his mouth. The bartender sadly pays up.

    The guy goes around the bar talking to other patrons, making the same bet. He makes some money, buys some beers and starts to get drunk.

    Later he goes back up to the bartender and says (clearly he’s tipsy by now), ‘I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my ear.” The bartender, determined not to be taken again, looks as closely as he can at the guy’s ear. After he has decided there’s no way that ear is coming off, the bartender tells the guy he’s on. The guy pops out his false teeth, clamps them on his ear, then pops the teeth back in his mouth. Again, the bartender pays up.

    The guy goes around the bar again making new bets with patrons, making more money, buying more beer and getting very drunk.

    He finally goes back up to the bartender. By now he’s doing good to stand on his own. He pulls the bartender close to him and says, “I wanna bet you a 100 bucks that if you put a shot glass down at that end of the bar, and I stand at the other end of the bar, that I can pee into the shot glass and not miss a drop.”

    Anxious to make his money back, the bartender quickly grabs a shot glass and places it at the far end of the bar. He then guides the drunk to the other end and steps back to watch. The drunk guy whips it out and starts to pee. His control has become that of a single fireman trying to control a fire hose that is wide open. He sprays to the left, he sprays to the right, back and forth, up and down. The worse his control is, the happier the bartender is. The bartender starts laughing and clapping and jumping even though he is caught in the downpour himself.

    When it’s finally over, the bartender checks the shot glass only to find that it’s bone dry. He goes to the drunk guy and ecstatically says, “Alright buddy, you have to pay up!” The drunk shrugs his shoulders as he hands over the money.

    “Why aren’t you upset about losing this bet?” asks the bartender.

    The drunk guys says, “See that guy over there?” and points a patron who is clearly distraught.

    “Yeah, what about him?”

    “Well, I just bet him $500 that I could pee all over you and your bar and you’d be happy about!”


  12. Lauren's mom Said on:

    What do you call an old bear with no teeth?

    A gummy bear.


  13. Jill Said on:

    What do you get when you buy a house, move in, lay brand new carpet in the basement, and then 6 weeks into living there, the basement floods because of all the crazy storms? Answer: Angry

    Oh wait, that wasn’t a joke, was it? Sorry. After a few drinks, maybe it will be funny. I’ll let you all know later…


  14. Keren Said on:

    Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide.


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