Walks into a Bar Jokes

Walks into a Bar Jokes

January 31, 2009

Lloyd, Most Popular

Well, it’s Sunday again, so Lauren is letting me post something. It turns out that “Walks into a bar” jokes are my favorite sort of joke. Here are a few to get started, but feel free to play along.

The first one is my very favorite. I tell it to my 7th grade math class each year. Every year I prep them by explaining that some of them will get it right away, some of them will get it in 13 seconds, some in 2 minutes and one in two days. I make them swear a solemn oath not to explain the joke after they get it. Every year someone comes in two days later and tells me they just got it.

  1. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
  2. A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Why the long face?”
  3. Two men walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.
  4. A termite walked into a bar and said, “Is the bartender here?”
  5. A pony walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
    The bartender says, “What was that, I couldn’t hear you.”
    So the pony says, “I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”
  6. This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down.”
  7. A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
  8. A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.”
    The guy replies “Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!”
  9. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic.”
    The bartender replies, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
  10. A <noun> walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    “Here you are, that’ll be $7.50. You know, we don’t get many <noun>s in here.” replies the bartender.
    <noun>, “At these prices I can see why.”
  11. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, “You guys better not start anything in here.”
  12. A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I
    haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

    Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

    Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

    Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
    sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really”

    Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”

    Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
    looked up and one of them crapped in me eye.”

    “You’re kidding,” says the bartender. “You lost an eye just from birdcrap?:”
    Pirate: “It was me first day with the hook.”

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About Lloyd

Lloyd Sommerer is a middle/high school teacher who likes to build websites, read books, grow beards, make fun of Lauren’s prototypes and eat the sauce of the picante.

View all posts by Lloyd

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21 Responses to “Walks into a Bar Jokes”

  1. Karla/Arron Said on:

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra….

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

    Reply

  2. Brad Said on:

    You took all mine, so I had to cheat and go hunting. I liked these:

    A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender said, “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replied the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

    A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, “Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?” The barkeep says, “Sorry, we only have plain.”

    Reply

  3. Lauren Said on:

    I only know knock-knock jokes, as told by unfunny four-year-olds. A sample:

    Knock knock.
    silence from other child
    Knock knock.
    Come in.
    You say “Who’s there?”
    Who’s there?
    A monkey.
    Hello.
    (Gales of laughter on the jokester’s part, a confused smile on the answerer’s part. Repeat all dnag day.)

    Reply

  4. Peggy Said on:

    A mushroom walks into a bar & the bartender says “You can’t come in…we don’t accept your kind here.” The mushroom said, “Why not, I’m a fungi.”

    (I predict some will get it within 2 seconds, some later in the day, some never.)

    And I have to admit, it took me a while to get #6--HA! Know I love that one!

    Reply

  5. Peggy Said on:

    BTW: Where are you Beth? Did you fly to Tampa this weekend?

    Reply

    • Lauren Said on:

      It is my understanding that the Pesters have had a weekend of hellacious illness at their home. We can only hope that Harold is strong enough to watch the Superbowl.

      Reply

      • Beth Said on:

        Um. Yes. Well, it was Harold who was horribly ill…but that made for a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG weekend. The Superbowl is currently being watched. Beth in real time. Harold on DVR. Here’s hoping the Cards can’t drive the length of the field in 0:35.

        Because we could use a little joy around here.

        Barfing husbands are far worse than barfing kids.

        I’m just saying.

        Reply

  6. christina Said on:

    A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender how they prepare their chicken. The bartender thought a minute, then answered, “Usually, we just tell them they’re going to die.”

    Reply

  7. andy Said on:

    A Shetland pony walks into a bar. The bar tender says “what’ll it be Mac.” The pony says, “Make it something soothing -- I’m a little hoarse.”

    Reply

  8. Scott Said on:

    A seal walks into a club

    Reply

    • Chet Said on:

      A seal walks into a bar. The bartender says: What’ll it be pal? And the seal says: ‘Anything but a Canadian Club.’

      Reply

  9. Blabby Said on:

    No bar jokes, but I’ve got one for the 4 year olds. Our favorite knock knock joke:

    Knock Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Smell Mop.
    Smell Mop Who?

    You have to say it out loud to get it. The louder the funnier!

    Reply

  10. Lloyd Said on:

    A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

    Reply

  11. Deanne Said on:

    What about Brad’s string joke?

    A string walks into a bar several times and asks for a drink. Each time, he is turned down by the bartender. Finally, the string asks a stranger to tie him into a knot and frazzle the ends a little. The string walks back to the bar, and the bartender asks him, “Hey, aren’t you the same string I just turned down?” The string replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”

    That’s my favorite… and the memories of talent shows long past!

    Reply

  12. critch Said on:

    Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, “I think not.” And he vanished.

    Reply

  13. Matt Haden Said on:

    The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

    Things got tense!

    Reply

  14. Bill Said on:

    A panda walks into a piano bar, and says, “Bartender, gimme a sandwich.” The panda woofs down his sandwich, pulls out a gun and kills the piano player, then walks outside. Well, the bartender chases after him saying, “Hey! You can’t just come in and woof down a sandwich, kill my piano player, and walk out!”

    To which the panda replies, “Listen buddy, I’m a panda.”

    Bartender: “So what?”

    Panda: “Go look up panda in the dictionary.”

    The bartender goes behind the bar, grabs a dictionary, and looks up “panda”.

    panda: noun -- Native of China. Eats shoots and leaves.

    Reply

  15. Michelle Said on:

    A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. A very attractive woman approaches him and says, ‘Hey buddy, for $300 I will do anything you want me to’. He thinks for a moment and says, ‘Paint my house!’

    Reply

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