I like buying whole-leaf tea. I like the idea of not throwing out a tea bag, plus I like being able to see the whole leaf after brewing, (That last part doesn’t often happen, as I am very likely to leave the brewing tool sitting out for a day or so then I hastily smack its grody contents into the compost freezer bucket while looking away. So much for ceremony.)
There is a tea store in the mall called Teavana that is PRO-TEA. They have dozens of different kinds of teas to choose from, carafes of brewed tea you can sample from little plastic cups (which kind of negates the whole eco-friendly angle I was aiming for) and a wide variety of teapots and brewing accessories in case you like spending your money on such things.
Lloyd doesn’t really like going there, but he’ll suffer through a visit because the guys that work there have crazier hair than he does – a very ‘tea drinkers are hipsters, not old fogies!’ kind of vibe.
When I stopped by on Saturday, I knew just what I wanted: Two ounces of English Breakfast. It’s the least amount you can buy and it has a high caffeine content (though just 20% of coffee). Apparently it is one of their ‘lesser teas’. When I ordered, the hipster girl behind the counter discovered that I was not a disciple of their tea religion.
Hipster Checkout Girl: “Welcome to Teavana! What can I get for you?”
Lauren: “English Breakfast, please.”
HCG (repressed shudder and trying not to act as if I had just ordered warm goat spit): “English…. Breakfast?”
Lauren: “Yep. I need the caffeine.”
HCG (Trying to upsell me): “Have you tried Monkey Picked Oolong*? It’s really great!”
Lauren: “No, that’s ok.
HCG (Sighing at my lack of taste and picking up her big scoop): “How much can I get for you?”
Lauren: “Two ounces.”
HCG (with a tight-lipped smile): “You’re really going all out, aren’t you?”
Lauren: “It’ll last me forever.”
HCG: “Do you have an airtight container to store it in?” (Here she gestures at the Teavana-approved , beautifully decorated, highly overpriced metal canisters on the counter.”
Lauren: “Yep.”
I told Lloyd as we left the store what I wanted to say to her, and he was mad because it would have been a much funnier encounter.
How it went in my head:
Hipster Checkout Girl: “Welcome to Teavana! What can I get for you?”
Lauren: “English Breakfast, please.”
HCG (Goat spit shudder): “English…. Breakfast?”
Lauren: “Yep. I need the caffeine.”
HCG (Trying to upsell me): “Have you tried Monkey Picked Oolong? It’s really great!”
Lauren: “It doesn’t matter. Any tea I buy is going to taste like honey and lemon by the time it hits my lips.”
HCG: “How much can I get for you?”
Lauren: “Two ounces.”
HCG (tight-lipped smile): “You’re really going all out, aren’t you?”
Lauren: “Are you really going to give me a hard time for buying the minimum amount of the cheapest tea you have in this expensive store? I know where the Lipton aisle is a SunMart, kiddo.”
HCG: “Do you have a airtight container to store this paltry amount of tea?”
Lauren: “Yep, that baggie you’re loading it in.”
I think next time I’ll just ask for some Nestea and watch them faint.
* I did not make that up. See?