Get over yourself, Teavana.

January 22, 2012


I like buying whole-leaf tea. I like the idea of not throwing out a tea bag, plus I like being able to see the whole leaf after brewing, (That last part doesn’t often happen, as I am very likely to leave the brewing tool sitting out for a day or so then I hastily smack its grody contents into the compost freezer bucket while looking away. So much for ceremony.)

I've been cutting back on coffee.

There is a tea store in the mall called Teavana that is PRO-TEA. They have dozens of different kinds of teas to choose from, carafes of brewed tea you can sample from little plastic cups (which kind of negates the whole eco-friendly angle I was aiming for) and a wide variety of teapots and brewing accessories in case you like spending your money on such things.

Lloyd doesn’t really like going there, but he’ll suffer through a visit because the guys that work there have crazier hair than he does – a very ‘tea drinkers are hipsters, not old fogies!’ kind of vibe.

When I stopped by on Saturday, I knew just what I wanted: Two ounces of English Breakfast. It’s the least amount you can buy and it has a high caffeine content (though just 20% of coffee). Apparently it is one of their ‘lesser teas’. When I ordered, the hipster girl behind the counter discovered that I was not a disciple of their tea religion.

Hipster Checkout Girl: “Welcome to Teavana! What can I get for you?”
Lauren: “English Breakfast, please.”
HCG (repressed shudder and trying not to act as if I had just ordered warm goat spit): “English…. Breakfast?”
Lauren: “Yep. I need the caffeine.”
HCG (Trying to upsell me): “Have you tried Monkey Picked Oolong*? It’s really great!”
Lauren: “No, that’s ok.
HCG (Sighing at my lack of taste and picking up her big scoop): “How much can I get for you?”
Lauren: “Two ounces.”
HCG (with a tight-lipped smile): “You’re really going all out, aren’t you?”
Lauren: “It’ll last me forever.”
HCG: “Do you have an airtight container to store it in?” (Here she gestures at the Teavana-approved , beautifully decorated, highly overpriced metal canisters on the counter.”
Lauren: “Yep.”

I told Lloyd as we left the store what I wanted to say to her, and he was mad because it would have been a much funnier encounter.

How it went in my head:
Hipster Checkout Girl: “Welcome to Teavana! What can I get for you?”
Lauren: “English Breakfast, please.”
HCG (Goat spit shudder): “English…. Breakfast?”
Lauren: “Yep. I need the caffeine.”
HCG (Trying to upsell me): “Have you tried Monkey Picked Oolong? It’s really great!”
Lauren: “It doesn’t matter. Any tea I buy is going to taste like honey and lemon by the time it hits my lips.”
HCG: “How much can I get for you?”
Lauren: “Two ounces.”
HCG (tight-lipped smile): “You’re really going all out, aren’t you?”
Lauren: “Are you really going to give me a hard time for buying the minimum amount of the cheapest tea you have in this expensive store? I know where the Lipton aisle is a SunMart, kiddo.”
HCG: “Do you have a airtight container to store this paltry amount of tea?”
Lauren: “Yep, that baggie you’re loading it in.”

I think next time I’ll just ask for some Nestea and watch them faint.

* I did not make that up. See?

About Lauren

Lauren Sommerer is a preschool teacher who likes to build prototypes, grow cats, cook things once, save money, reduce, reuse and recycle.

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11 Responses to “Get over yourself, Teavana.”

  1. Brad Said on:

    She actually said: “You’re really going all out..”?
    That’s mind-bendingly rude -- specially in Nebraska.
    …or was this in Omaha? Because that’s not really Nebraska.


  2. Beth Said on:

    Ha! Holy catfish that’s expensive stuff…

    I knew there was a reason I liked my Lipton… 😉


  3. Peggy Said on:

    Maybe next time Lloyd could go in & request the tea. I bet he’d give that little HCG with her avant garde hairstyle a run for her money….er, tea.


  4. Ribs Said on:

    Reading the Teavana site, I see that 2 ounces of tea makes 25-30 cups. That’s less than a week’s tea drinking on this side of the Pond!

    Btw, “paltry” is on my favourite words list. Great word, seldom used.


  5. Kristi Said on:

    Is the green mug for green tea?


  6. Christina Rowland Said on:

    do monkey’s really pick the Oolong? if so, do they make them wash their hands first??


  7. Quiana Said on:

    I bought some of that monkey tea for a friend who deeply desired it, but didn’t want to spend the $26 for it. It came right in on our maximum spending for Christmas for one another.

    I asked the girl if it came with an actual monkey. She gave me that tight lip smile.

    I could have bought like 400 pounds of crack cocaine for that. Probably. Who knows.


  8. Lady Said on:

    I personally love their tea! Their tea like other expensive teas are stored in tins or sold
    In tins, only teas without preservatives need tins,and most countries value their teas and have had tea tins since before ww2. And I’m all about no GMO and perservative free so I have a tin for each category of tea 🙂 like my own tea library.
    And the monkey picked is amazing! I learned that monkeys don’t actually pick the leaves they
    Are just trying to say that the tea is a well known tea ,that’s been around for so long that it is now legendary. And when I make my teas with the smell good steam it just makes my day. My preference on how to make tea I got down to a tea;) 3 to 6 teaspoons of tea for up to 20oz of wAter , then I use the correct temp water and steep for one minute longer than most directions say . And that sugar mmmm I use depending how I feel like 1tsp light to 3 tsp heavy. I love tea so I had to say something.:)


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