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Most Popular

Walks into a Bar Jokes

January 31, 2009 by Lloyd 21 Comments

Well, it’s Sunday again, so Lauren is letting me post something. It turns out that “Walks into a bar” jokes are my favorite sort of joke. Here are a few to get started, but feel free to play along.

The first one is my very favorite. I tell it to my 7th grade math class each year. Every year I prep them by explaining that some of them will get it right away, some of them will get it in 13 seconds, some in 2 minutes and one in two days. I make them swear a solemn oath not to explain the joke after they get it. Every year someone comes in two days later and tells me they just got it.

  1. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
  2. A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Why the long face?”
  3. Two men walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.
  4. A termite walked into a bar and said, “Is the bartender here?”
  5. A pony walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
    The bartender says, “What was that, I couldn’t hear you.”
    So the pony says, “I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”
  6. This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down.”
  7. A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
  8. A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.”
    The guy replies “Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!”
  9. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic.”
    The bartender replies, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
  10. A <noun> walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    “Here you are, that’ll be $7.50. You know, we don’t get many <noun>s in here.” replies the bartender.
    <noun>, “At these prices I can see why.”
  11. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, “You guys better not start anything in here.”
  12. A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I
    haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

    Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

    Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

    Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
    sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really”

    Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”

    Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
    looked up and one of them crapped in me eye.”

    “You’re kidding,” says the bartender. “You lost an eye just from birdcrap?:”
    Pirate: “It was me first day with the hook.”

Filed Under: Lloyd, Most Popular Tagged With: bar, joke

Getting a Memory Stick PRO Duo out of an Acer Aspire One

November 21, 2008 by Lauren 85 Comments

The tools.

Greetings, fellow hosed person. If you have found this post, it is because you, too, tried to put your tiny memory stick in your laptop without the adaptor, and now realize that it is stuck for good. Tweezers are too big to fit in that little slot, and it looks pretty hopeless. Let me share my experience with you.

Stuck Memory Stick PRO Duo in Acer Aspire One

Get some good, sticky tape. I didn’t have duct tape, and thought masking tape might not be sticky enough. We had a roll of electrical tape, though, and that worked just fine.

Cut off a piece a few inches long. Carefully slide it – sticky side toward the memory stick – into the slot. Use a knife to smooth it onto the memory stick, then remove the knife and pull on the tape. I had to do it twice since the first piece of tape was barely sticking to it. Worked like a charm.

Yeah, it’s blurry.

So go & get all MacGuyver on it, you! Good luck! If you found this post useful, please mail me one million dollars. Thanks.

UPDATE: Despite my mannish-looking hands, this is actually Lauren writing, not Lloyd. The ‘dude’ and ‘bro’ comments are starting to give me a complex. 🙂

Ignore the finger.

Filed Under: Gadget, Most Popular Tagged With: acer, aspire one, fame, fix, how to, memory stick, pro duo

50 Best Movies for Middle School

October 16, 2008 by Lloyd Leave a Comment

We recently decided to show a movie to our 6th, 7th and 8th grade students on the last day of school. But when we started brainstorming ideas we had some difficulty coming up with movie titles that (a) the students would like and (b) we thought would be worth showing.

Listed below are the movies we came up with after consulting a variety of experts including: current middle school students, former middle school students, middle school teachers from across the country, lots of family movie websites, and random people on twitter and facebook.

Do Your Homework

Don’t Take My Word For It. Always preview any movie before you show it. Just because a movie appears on this (or any other) list doesn’t mean that it works in your situation. For instance, I included Stand by Me in this list and it is rated R. If I were actually going to show it, I would look for an edited for television version. If a movie is rated PG or PG-13, offer some guidance to the students before you watch it. Explain to them what good things they can take away from the movie even though there might be some language that isn’t appropriate at school.

Incorporate it into the curriculum. We’ve shown The Karate Kid when we’re talking about bullying as a school. One teacher shows Newsies in social studies classes when she’s talking about immigration and industrialization. I’ve shown Searching for Bobby Fischer before I teach students how to play chess.

Stay Legal

You may be required to obtain a Public Performance License to show your movie. Movie License USA offers these guidelines for schools to use when determining if they need to purchase a license. Generally, you do not need a license if:

  • A teacher or instructor is present
  • The showing takes place in a classroom setting with only the enrolled students attending
  • The movie is used as an essential part of the core, current curriculum being taught. (The instructor should be able to show how the use of the motion picture contributes to the overall required course study and syllabus.)
  • The movie being used is a legitimate copy, not taped from a legitimate copy or taped from TV

Movie License USA also serves a clearing house for many movie studios, so it is a good spot to look to obtain a license if you need one. They offer single license for $75.00 which is good for one showing of a single movie on a specific date.They also offer site licenses that are good for all of the studios that they represent for one year (as many showings as you’d like). Site license prices are based on the number of students in your school.

About the List

The list is sortable. Click on the heading to sort it by run time, rating and so forth. The title link goes to the Internet Movie Database listing for the movie and the rating link goes to the IMDb Parents Guide for the movie. Additions to the list are welcome. There aren’t actually 50 movies listed yet, so feel free to suggest some in the comments below. If you think a movie on the list is especially good or bad choice to show at school, lets hear that as well.

The List

Title Release Date Run Time (min) Rating
Babe 1995 89 G
Back to the Future 1985 117 PG
Bend It Like Beckham 2002 112 PG-13
Bridge to Terabithia 2007 96 PG
Clue 1985 94 PG
E.T. 1982 113 PG
Edward Scissorhands 1990 105 PG-13
Ella Enchanged 2004 96 PG
Enchanted 2007 107 PG
Facing the Giants 2006 111 PG
Freaky Friday 2003 97 PG
Hairspray 2007 117 PG
Holes 2003 117 PG
Hook 1991 144 PG
How to Eat Fried Worms 2006 98 PG
James and the Giant Peach 1996 79 PG
Journey to the Center of the Earth 2008 93 PG
Labyrinth 1986 101 PG
March of the Penguins 2005 85 G
Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium 2007 93 G
Newsies 1992 121 PG
Night at the Museum 2007 108 PG
Nim’s Island 2008 96 PG
Pirates of The Carribean 2003 143 PG-13
Remember the Titans 2000 113 PG
Rudy 2003 116 PG
School of Rock 2003 108 PG-13
Searching for Bobby Fischer 1993 110 PG
Secondhand Lions 2003 109 PG
Simon Birch 1998 114 PG
Sky High 2005 100 PG
Stand By Me 1986 89 R
Swiss Family Robinson 1960 126 G
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen 1988 126 PG
The Chronicles of Narnia 2005 143 PG
The Goonies 1985 114 PG
The Karate Kid 1984 126 PG
The Parent Trap 1998 127 PG
The Princes Bride 1987 98 PG
The Sandlot 1993 101 PG
The Secret Garden 1993 101 G
Time Bandits 1981 116 PG
Whale Rider 2002 101 PG-13
Willow 1988 126 PG

What do you think?

  • Suggest another movie? (what did we miss)
  • Any poor choices on the list? (you can’t show that in school)
  • What are your top 3? (two thumbs up)

Filed Under: Lloyd, Most Popular, School Tagged With: middle school, movie, movies

Waffle (not awful) Toast

September 21, 2008 by Lauren 9 Comments

We had a very nice visit with Lloyd’s folks this weekend. I always freak about about what to cook for people, but we were only home for breakfasts, and that’s a meal I can safely make. We had bacon and eggs yesterday, and an experiment today!

I can’t take credit for this, since I saw it on Slashfood a while ago, but we had french toast made in a waffle iron. The Texax toast pieces fit in my cheap-o Belgian waffle maker perfectly!

french2.jpg

french3.jpg

I liked them a lot. I was so pleased with the result, we made garlic toast for dinner the same way! Slap some butter on both sides of bread, sprinkle on a little garlic salt, then leave them in there a couple of minutes to get really crispy. The best part is how they break off into little strips, then squares, perfect for filling with sauce. I shouldn’t have even made noodles.

Mmmm.

Filed Under: Cooking, Most Popular Tagged With: add, toast, waffle

Cut to the chase.

June 9, 2008 by Lauren 35 Comments

Ok, the frozen cheesecake in a tiny jar was fun to make, but I’m thinking that I don’t always have the time for those, plus I now have a severe frozen cheesecake addiction. (When we were first married we’d stop off at the Sara Lee store at an outlet mall and I’d eat most of a frozen strawberry cheesecake with Lloyd’s pocketknife. Don’t judge me.)

This came to me right as I was dropping off into a sugar-coma nap, but I’m probably not the first person to come up with this. (But maybe I’m the first one to freeze them! Freezing is key!) I’m sure you could use the ready-made cheesecake filling in a tub, but that stuff frightens me. I mixed half a block of cream cheese, about 2 tablespoons of sugar and somewhere between 1 and 2 teaspoons of lemon juice. Then whip 1/3 whipping cream with a tablespoon or two of sugar & fold into the the cream cheese mixture. Spread on half a graham cracker. Spread jam or preserves (but not jelly – – jelly would be gross) on the other half. Sandwich-ize them! Now, if you don’t want the giant mess I had my first try wrapping these, let them set up in the freezer for a half-hour or so.

Yes, that’s a towel.  I covered my gross-looking cookie sheet.

Tear off 8 inches of wax paper.

Thank goodness I froze that.

Fold.

Yep, just fold.

Flip.

Does anyone remember Flip Wilson?

Fold in the sides.

Like a burrito.

Like the other side of a burrito.

Flip, yet again.

I need to come up with a way to waste less paper.

Now, FREEZE, scumbag!

I didn’t mean to call you scumbag.

Sweet! A frozen cheesecake sandwich anytime I want! (Um, when’s that high school reunion? I think I have a problem.)

Filed Under: Cooking, Lauren, Most Popular Tagged With: cake

Tiny Frozen Things

May 21, 2008 by Lauren 25 Comments

So I’ll admit, I’ve become a little jar-obsessed. The apple pies in little jars were fun, but let’s face it – I’m not gifted at making pies. Plus it’s getting hot outside and pretty soon it’ll even be too hot to bake bread.

Frozen. Frozen is where it’s at.

I found a recipe for Mudslide Pie, and with a little adaption and some bad math, these were sent to the freezer last month:

Rich like Richie Rich.

Cute, but too rich. They have a sour cream/melted chocolate layer on top of the crust, and next time I think I’d skip that part and just put the chocolate whipped cream in and call it good.

These were the latest creation: strawberry ‘cheesecakes’. No recipe, I just mashed half a block of cream cheese with some sugar and lemon juice until it tasted right and added some sweetened whipped cream. The topping is diced strawberries, sugar, and some of Lloyd’s mom strawberry jam.

Ready for eating!

The best part? No baking! Just eat straight from the freezer! The next best part? These jars are even smaller than the pie jars! Four ounces instead of eight. When I want something dessert-y I just want a little bit, so this works out pretty well. The worst part? My twenty year high school reunion is coming up and my eating habits are slowly declining. Maybe I should take up jogging.

That’s the pie jar on the left.

Heaven help me if I find a two-ounce jar.

UPDATE: Dang it, Applebee’s! Quit stealing my ideas! (This just came in the mail – these are tiny desserts called ‘shooters’.)

Where’s the lid, huh?

SECOND UPDATE: A faster way to make frozen cheesecake, sandwich-style – HERE.

Filed Under: Cooking, Lauren, Most Popular Tagged With: add, cheescake, dessert, frozen, pie

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