Well, it’s Sunday again, so Lauren is letting me post something. It turns out that “Walks into a bar” jokes are my favorite sort of joke. Here are a few to get started, but feel free to play along.
The first one is my very favorite. I tell it to my 7th grade math class each year. Every year I prep them by explaining that some of them will get it right away, some of them will get it in 13 seconds, some in 2 minutes and one in two days. I make them swear a solemn oath not to explain the joke after they get it. Every year someone comes in two days later and tells me they just got it.
- A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
- A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Why the long face?”
- Two men walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.
- A termite walked into a bar and said, “Is the bartender here?”
- A pony walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
The bartender says, “What was that, I couldn’t hear you.”
So the pony says, “I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.” - This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down.”
- A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
- A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.”
The guy replies “Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!” - A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic.”
The bartender replies, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?” - A <noun> walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“Here you are, that’ll be $7.50. You know, we don’t get many <noun>s in here.” replies the bartender.
<noun>, “At these prices I can see why.” - Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, “You guys better not start anything in here.”
- A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I
haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”“What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really”Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up and one of them crapped in me eye.”“You’re kidding,” says the bartender. “You lost an eye just from birdcrap?:”
Pirate: “It was me first day with the hook.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra….
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
You took all mine, so I had to cheat and go hunting. I liked these:
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender said, “Yes, we do!” “Good,” replied the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”
A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, “Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?” The barkeep says, “Sorry, we only have plain.”
I only know knock-knock jokes, as told by unfunny four-year-olds. A sample:
Knock knock.
silence from other child
Knock knock.
Come in.
You say “Who’s there?”
Who’s there?
A monkey.
Hello.
(Gales of laughter on the jokester’s part, a confused smile on the answerer’s part. Repeat all dnag day.)
HA!! I love that!! I laughed out loud. (Come in…HA!)
A mushroom walks into a bar & the bartender says “You can’t come in…we don’t accept your kind here.” The mushroom said, “Why not, I’m a fungi.”
(I predict some will get it within 2 seconds, some later in the day, some never.)
And I have to admit, it took me a while to get #6–HA! Know I love that one!
BTW: Where are you Beth? Did you fly to Tampa this weekend?
It is my understanding that the Pesters have had a weekend of hellacious illness at their home. We can only hope that Harold is strong enough to watch the Superbowl.
Um. Yes. Well, it was Harold who was horribly ill…but that made for a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG weekend. The Superbowl is currently being watched. Beth in real time. Harold on DVR. Here’s hoping the Cards can’t drive the length of the field in 0:35.
Because we could use a little joy around here.
Barfing husbands are far worse than barfing kids.
I’m just saying.
WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“We are the champions, my friends!!”
(Whew! That was close.)
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender how they prepare their chicken. The bartender thought a minute, then answered, “Usually, we just tell them they’re going to die.”
A Shetland pony walks into a bar. The bar tender says “what’ll it be Mac.” The pony says, “Make it something soothing – I’m a little hoarse.”
Ha! More jokes! More jokes!
A seal walks into a club
A seal walks into a bar. The bartender says: What’ll it be pal? And the seal says: ‘Anything but a Canadian Club.’
No bar jokes, but I’ve got one for the 4 year olds. Our favorite knock knock joke:
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Smell Mop.
Smell Mop Who?
You have to say it out loud to get it. The louder the funnier!
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
What about Brad’s string joke?
A string walks into a bar several times and asks for a drink. Each time, he is turned down by the bartender. Finally, the string asks a stranger to tie him into a knot and frazzle the ends a little. The string walks back to the bar, and the bartender asks him, “Hey, aren’t you the same string I just turned down?” The string replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”
That’s my favorite… and the memories of talent shows long past!
Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, “I think not.” And he vanished.
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
Things got tense!
A panda walks into a piano bar, and says, “Bartender, gimme a sandwich.” The panda woofs down his sandwich, pulls out a gun and kills the piano player, then walks outside. Well, the bartender chases after him saying, “Hey! You can’t just come in and woof down a sandwich, kill my piano player, and walk out!”
To which the panda replies, “Listen buddy, I’m a panda.”
Bartender: “So what?”
Panda: “Go look up panda in the dictionary.”
The bartender goes behind the bar, grabs a dictionary, and looks up “panda”.
panda: noun – Native of China. Eats shoots and leaves.
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. A very attractive woman approaches him and says, ‘Hey buddy, for $300 I will do anything you want me to’. He thinks for a moment and says, ‘Paint my house!’