bar

Well, it’s Sunday again, so Lauren is letting me post something. It turns out that “Walks into a bar” jokes are my favorite sort of joke. Here are a few to get started, but feel free to play along.

The first one is my very favorite. I tell it to my 7th grade math class each year. Every year I prep them by explaining that some of them will get it right away, some of them will get it in 13 seconds, some in 2 minutes and one in two days. I make them swear a solemn oath not to explain the joke after they get it. Every year someone comes in two days later and tells me they just got it.

1. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
2. A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Why the long face?”
3. Two men walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.
4. A termite walked into a bar and said, “Is the bartender here?”
5. A pony walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
   The bartender says, “What was that, I couldn’t hear you.”
   So the pony says, “I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”
6. This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down.”
7. A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
8. A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.”
   The guy replies “Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!”
9. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic.”
   The bartender replies, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
10. A <noun> walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    “Here you are, that’ll be $7.50. You know, we don’t get many <noun>s in here.” replies the bartender.
    <noun>, “At these prices I can see why.”
11. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, “You guys better not start anything in here.”
12. A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I
    haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

    Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

    Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

    Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
    sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really”

    Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”

    Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
    looked up and one of them crapped in me eye.”

    “You’re kidding,” says the bartender. “You lost an eye just from birdcrap?:”
    Pirate: “It was me first day with the hook.”