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joke

Walks into a Bar Jokes

January 31, 2009 by Lloyd 21 Comments

Well, it’s Sunday again, so Lauren is letting me post something. It turns out that “Walks into a bar” jokes are my favorite sort of joke. Here are a few to get started, but feel free to play along.

The first one is my very favorite. I tell it to my 7th grade math class each year. Every year I prep them by explaining that some of them will get it right away, some of them will get it in 13 seconds, some in 2 minutes and one in two days. I make them swear a solemn oath not to explain the joke after they get it. Every year someone comes in two days later and tells me they just got it.

  1. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
  2. A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Why the long face?”
  3. Two men walk into a bar, but the third one ducks.
  4. A termite walked into a bar and said, “Is the bartender here?”
  5. A pony walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
    The bartender says, “What was that, I couldn’t hear you.”
    So the pony says, “I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”
  6. This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down.”
  7. A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
  8. A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.”
    The guy replies “Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!”
  9. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic.”
    The bartender replies, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
  10. A <noun> walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    “Here you are, that’ll be $7.50. You know, we don’t get many <noun>s in here.” replies the bartender.
    <noun>, “At these prices I can see why.”
  11. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, “You guys better not start anything in here.”
  12. A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I
    haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

    “What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

    Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

    Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

    Bartender: “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

    Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
    sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really”

    Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”

    Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
    looked up and one of them crapped in me eye.”

    “You’re kidding,” says the bartender. “You lost an eye just from birdcrap?:”
    Pirate: “It was me first day with the hook.”

Filed Under: Lloyd, Most Popular Tagged With: bar, joke

Just tired

October 25, 2008 by Lauren 5 Comments

Sorry for no good post this morning.  I was crazy tired at work yesterday and had a bit of a stomachache.  I’ve been sleeping more than I would believe possible.  If anything gets accomplished today, it will be some kind of miracle.

Let me leave you with this excellent joke from Curt:

A blonde was watching the news with her husband when the newscaster said
that 6 Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. The blonde started
crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!”

Confused, he said, “Yes, Dear, it IS sad – but they
were skydiving and there is a lot of risk involved in
that.”

After a few minutes, the blonde says, “How many is a
Brazilian?”

Filed Under: They can't all be winners. Tagged With: joke

No.

June 4, 2008 by Lauren 28 Comments

I am TIRED and do not want to make a post.  I want to go to bed.  Somebody tell a joke.

Filed Under: They can't all be winners. Tagged With: joke

Just like Adam….sorta

August 30, 2007 by Lauren 7 Comments

The first week in preschool we just do things that are self-directed so that the teachers can be available for helping children who might feel sad, or need some redirection.  We’ve been stepping it up, though, and have talked about Creation, and how God created the world and people.  We’ve made some self-portraits with paper & pen, collage materials, and some ‘face’ games, and lately we’ve talked about the whole body.  I’ve been setting the play dough out with no tools, because when God formed Adam he didn’t use cookie cutters, y’know.  Today’s the third day they’ve worked on this, and I’m pleased to see that they can now include arms on their human figures. See?  Just like Adam!
Pink and Plump

Ok, now I have to tell a joke.  Lloyd’s mom sent it to us:

A scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve figured out a way to make people.  We can create them from earth and breathe life into them just as you did.  You are irrelevant now.”

God says, “Ok, show me how you do it.”

The scientist begins to scoop some earth to form it into a human, but God stops him and says, “No no no – get your own dirt.”

Filed Under: Journal, Lauren Tagged With: joke, preschool

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