LaurenandLloyd.com

where our wasted time becomes your wasted time

Worst day ever

The worst part of my trip

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The fates were against me, and the fates were cruel. The very best part of my trip to San Antonio last weekend? That there exists a place on this Earth known as Jerky World. The worst part of my trip to San Antonio last weekend? That I was not allowed to enter Jerky World.

Christina and Paul have lived in Texas for the better part of a decade. They had never seen Jerky World before. I had been in Texas for about 22 minutes when I saw it. Standing out in an overlooked strip mall like a beam of pure sunshine piercing a cloud.

As if to taunt me, we drove by Jerky World at least half a half dozen times. We could never stop. We had places to go, people to see, planes to catch. Really, it’s probably all for the best. If I’d gone into Jerky World, I would have had to leave Jerky World. I can’t imagine a worse fate.

Simply Glorious

I love you Jerky World.

Neither short nor stout

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On our ride to Lincoln this afternoon, I was driving and Lloyd was reading one of his giant books. Suddenly, he looked out the windshield with a distant, serene and zen-like look on his face.

Lauren: “You o.k.?”

Lloyd (quietly): “I…… am no longer a little teapot.”

Lauren: “*gasp!*”

It’s been such a part of his identity for so long. What now? What now?

Spam jokes

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Today is my birthday, and I am forty. Say it loud, say it proud – I am forty! I have no intention of any celebration, because – as you all know – I am a hermit and relish my solitude. I look forward to a wonderful evening of doing nothing!

The present I am giving myself is not bothering to come up with a good post. Instead, I’ll share with you some of the jokes that the spammers have been trying to sneak onto our website. Gotta hand it to the spammers – they’re a funny crew.

  • I have a nice fresh joke for you people) How you get down from an elephant? You don’t, you get down from ducks.
  • I have a nice joke for you) What did the worm say to the caterpillar? What did you do to get that fur coat?
  • I have a fresh joke for you) Why do Vampire have to brush their teeth? Because they have Bat-Breath.
  • A JOKE! ) What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? Well done.
  • Sorry, for off top, i wanna tell one joke) Why do hurricanes travel so fast? If they traveled slowly, we would have to call them slow-i-canes
  • A joke for you! What do you get when a cat walks along a beach? Sandy Claws!!
  • A JOKE! ) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
  • I have a good fresh joke for you! What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
  • A JOKE! ) Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car? He was playing on the road again.
  • Do you want a joke? 🙂 Who is Dracula’s favorite person on the baseball team? The BAT boy!

No photo, no drawing, just fear.

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Lloyd and I went to our third Christmas party in a row tonight. (You can imagine how much Hermit Girl looks forward to those.) While we had a very nice time, the ride home was AWFUL! We had a foggy day that turned into a slight freezing drizzle, so there was a nice icy glaze on the road.

We couldn’t make our turn onto the highway, but Super Lloyd just corrected and breezed past while I chewed on my coat. We saw five cars in the ditch once we actually got on the road further down, and just crawled all the way home at 35/40 miles an hour.

I ate my gloves.

Hate, hate, hate winter driving. Hate it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

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“Let’s go for a walk,” Lloyd said.

“It will be relaxing,” Lloyd said.

“We’ll take pictures of the snow for a post,” Lloyd said.

So, we did. Bundled up in the super-insulated Eddie Bauer coats of yore (they’re so warm, they must be made of penguins), we took the camera outside. It’s blizzard-y, but we were up for adventure.

Yeah.

Two blocks away from our house some poor kid was stuck at a stop sign. A delivery guy was trying to push him out, so we went over to help.

Bam! On my first push I slipped and hit my mouth on the trunk. Now I have a fat lip.

Delivery Guy had to go, um, make deliveries, but fortunately Drunk Guy arrived to give some assistance – well-peppered with wise old swears. “Turn to the right, d*mmit! Think you’d never driven in snow before.” He was great fun.

Poor Kid decided, after his verbal beating, to just back down the three-block hill and try another street. We bid him well, walked home, and shoveled the driveway. (4th time today)

After shoveling, we noticed that Poor Kid and Other Dude were both stranded. We walked down to help, and met Nice Guy. Nice Guy, Poor Kid and Lloyd pushed Other Dude safely on his way, then went to Poor Kid’s car. Luckily, Drunk Guy showed up. (Turns out he’s Nice Guys’ father-in-law.)

Blah, blah, blah – pushed Poor Kid to safety, helped Drunk Guy shovel his driveway so he could park, and came home….

to a half-inch of snow on the driveway we just shoveled.

Gotta love winter.

After the 3th, but before the 4th & 5th shoveling

Good grief.

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So, I caught some sort of bug, which isn’t surprising considering all the sick children I’ve been around lately. Wednesday night I watched t.v. on the couch until I fell asleep, which is actually one of my favorite things to do.

All was well until 1:18.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Stumbling to the kitchen, I had one of those ‘thousand-thoughts-running-through-your-mind-in-two-seconds’ moments. Do we have a fire alarm? Am I cooking something? Is Lloyd cooking something? Did this happen when Kristi was visiting and she was too polite to tell me? I hit ‘cancel’ on the stove panel and went back to the couch.

3:00.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

What the what? Stumble, stumble, cancel, cancel. I thought about going up to bed, but I was in my jeans and didn’t want to change into pj’s. Lazily, I went back to the couch.

3:43

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Grrrr. Cancel.

3:48

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

I am going to kill someone. By this time I have noticed that ‘F-2’ is flashing on the screen, and now I was WIDE AWAKE enough to google it. It’s a sensor issue. I unplugged the stove and went back to sleep in the blessed beep-free quiet.

I wound up cooking our little turkey in the roaster, but couldn’t rely on my cool digital thermometer to tell me when it was done, because it was in cahoots with the stove and showed wildly fluctuating temperatures – all wrong.

See? It's not cold in here, it's 183 degrees!

Did I mention that I’m sick? Using a roaster and the microwave, I had turkey, stuffing and potatoes ready to eat by lunchtime then shoved it all (uneaten) in the fridge and went back to sleep until 4.

If I feel better tomorrow we’re going stove and thermometer shopping.